I was funnier when I worked

Every comic needs material, for Jerry it is the little things in life, the very little things!
For Red (dating myself) it was people watching and imitating their mannerisms.
For Bill it was about growing up, the family, trips to the dentist, etc.

Not anywhere near their league I was able to take advantage of my job as school boss to observe kids and adults. And while Linkletter (dating myself again) would disagree it was the adults who said and did the darnedest things. These observations plus the day to day business of being with people made for some pretty funny stuff.

Now I find myself depending on my wife to provide material and while lots of comedians begin with "take my wife, please" I find that hard to do, mostly because she reads this stuff and I'd find myself walking on thin ice. It is also a burden to put on her when up until June I had over 1000 adults and 500 kids to provide me with yuks.

I guess I'll have to rely on going to the supermarket to observe other retirees being dragged around by their wives or interact with the men who sit patiently at Bloomingdales as their wives try on just one more thing. Through the magic of smart phones, we can catch up on our calls or check email. I tried this a few weeks go only to find I have not built up a network of friends who I can correspond with.

 So for now I'll sit on the couch by the escalator at Bloomingdales and make believe I am deeply engrossed in my iPhone or maybe realize the guy next to me is doing the same thing and say, "Hi"!

Mayan, your own business

The Mayans predicted that the world would end on December 21. With all the dire predictions re: Sandy it seems like their prognostication may have been off by 2 months. I hope not and do hope all will work out.

A week from tomorrow we vote for President. The northeast might see prolonged power
outages and perhaps no electricity for weeks. Millions of people impacted. Also people will be so preoccupied with clean up that they not see the election as a priority. If that happens we might have a prolonged storm to contend with. One that could last for 4 years!

Be safe!

Come together right now, over Sandy

The longer we wait for the storm of the decade, century, millennium, AD, the more stuff we buy to make sure we survive the on-slaught of the wind and rain. What started out as a few extra batteries on Friday has developed into a pilot light ignitor, small light for the bathroom, more extra batteries, a search for a search light to accompany the one we have, 24-48-72 hour updates, to snacks, fishes, Progresso soup (this will be a first) and potato sticks! It must be the storm of the century if we have potato sticks.

This morning "we" woke up deciding that we need sand bags for Sandy. Now there is a entrepreneurial stand ready for some kids to take advantage of, I can see the home made sign "Sand Bags for Sandy". So at the 11th hour or is it the 9th hour, out I went in search of sand bags. Over to the local hardware store where I got the last bag of sand, but no sand bags! Unsure as to how we would make sand bags I heard form headquarters that the fire station at Cos Cob was offering sand bags. When I arrived I saw at least 30 people filling bags with sand. No panic, some concern but mostly people just being civil and  nice to one another.  These are probably the same people that would cut me off on the road, insist that they were ahead of me on the grocery store line and otherwise not give me the time of day, but as we anticipate Sandy we are all of the same mind towards this unwelcome guest.

The Thrill is gone

For as long as I can remember we have leased our cars instead of buying them outright. One of the benefits is the ability to drive the latest and greatest, in my price range, every 3-4 years. This has put me in a variety of car makes and models with very little loyalty. Unlike my father who was a  Buick, Cadillac guy or my uncle Mike who was a Plymouth driver my loyalties have changed, usually every 3-4 years. From VW to  Honda, to Nissan, to Subaru to Lexus. So every 3-4 years and usually 3-4 months before I really had to we would begin our car search. We've gotten pretty good at the whole negotiating thing and have come to realize that it is just a shell game with the winning bid under the shell that you don't see unless you are 1- ready to walk or 2- have your check book out.

Maybe it has to do with being a kid but I do remember going with my dad to sit in, drive in and ultimately pick up the 1960 Mohave Evening Gray Cadillac or the 1964 Sand Beige Coupe de Ville. No Cadillac was going to simply be called, Gray or Beige. There was a real excitement associated with "THE" day we picked up the new car. Sure in the 60's,  Mad Men Days, the Cadillac was a standout and I remember my dad always dressed to the nines on car pick up day and also on plane trips.

Today we'll drive to the Lexus Dealership to pick up the latest 3 year rental, a Matador Red Mica IS 250. Apparently car color naming is alive and well. 50 years ago I loved the excitement of the new car, the smell of the leather and never gave it much thought that once driven off the lot the car depreciates dramatically while the bank payments do not! And three years from now we get to do it all again. actually next November as the other car comes off lease.
I think I'll wear a tie to make it special.

Blah, blah, blah

I still have trouble typing in an email message on my i-phone. I find the keys to be too small or my fingers too big and so too often Jot becomes Kot, Does comes out as Foes you gat, I mean get, the idea. To the credit of the phone it usually picks up the error and self corrects, unless of course the mis- typed word is in fact a word, then things could get interesting.

Not too long ago I discovered the microphone key. Simply by pressing the key and as long as you speak S-L-O-W-L-Y and succinctly your words will remarkably appear on the screen. No typing, or retyping, amazing!
I do tend to think that when I use this shortcut I am not doing my job as a technophile, shouldn't I be practicing to strengthen my thumbs while acquiring speed and accuracy?

I downloaded an app that allows me to develop flashcards as I try to learn Italian. In an attempt to kill two birds, I started to use the recording device to eliminate the typing while practicing my pronunciation. Well this part of Flashcard needs work. Instead of LA PIENA (full) the software translated my voice to BLAH PTRA which is Greek to me!

Old dogs, New tricks

There is a myth that retirees retreat to malls across America once there is a chill in the air to get in their exercise. Gangs of gray haired folks in NB sneakers walking at a brisk pace past Victoria's Secret and the Sunglass Hut. Well here is a little Secret. Seniors in Fairfield County are at the mall but not to exercise the body. They are in the Apple store exercising their minds and keeping up with the latest technology. Very patient geniuses are talking a bit slower and a bit louder but to their credit using great patience as they, we, learn about fire walls, apps and iphoto. It's a beautiful thing and lends new meaning to the saying, if you can't beat them, join them

My (other) Best Friends

Today I celebrate my 64th birthday! But for the last 2 weeks I have been sent best wishes from some of my best friends.

    $20 gift certificate and a card from Brooks Brothers-  do they consider me a friend or a member of their family?

     A heartfelt birthday wish email from my dear friends at Jet Blue.

     Two messages from my financial advisor, an email, and a card with best wishes from a bull and a bear.

     Birthday greetings from my Lexus salesman and a gentle reminder, complete with business card, that there are great deals this time of year. Little does he know that I had been courting a Kia dealer. But in the end I stayed true to Lexus, was it his yearly remembrance of  my special day that paid off or was it that I am not ready to utter the words, "I drive a Kia."

And so at Zero Otto Nove Restaurant, volume up, cue Paul Anka and he inquires "Did you have a Happy Birthday, did you get the flowers I sent you?"

Perhaps moving forward in the social networking era,  he should amend the tune to ask, did you get the email, tweet or special 20% offer I sent you?

 and then waiters sing serenade you with a chorus of Hoppy Birfhday.... to me.

PS- blogger spell check does not recognize KIA but it does LEXUS. Omen?

Will you still need me....

Now that I'm 64! Well I will be tomorrow and when the Beatles sang that song 40+ years ago I never gave it a second thought. Well here it is, 40 years gone and to quote another pertinent song phrase, who knows where the time goes?

It is hard at times to recount the events of the last 4 decades and often one year blends into another. I envy those who can remember dates and events like they were yesterday. But I do remember the highlights, and there have been many. I also rely on friends and family to recount things I have forgotten and as a result I haven't missed that much and most of the blanks have been filled in.

My blog title refers to approximately the next 20 years of my life, keeping you but mostly me abreast of how I will spend my golden years. And while 65 is the traditional retirement year, I can't help but associate with Paul's refrain, will you still need me, will you still feed me. Fortunately at this stage of 7200 days I am needed and I can feed myself thank you.

Bonfire of the Mini-van

The South Bronx has always gotten a bad rap. First it was Howard Cosell during the World Series in the 70's telling the world that , the Bronx was burning. Then came the Bonfire of the Vanities that provided a boom to inflatable tires, especially for those yuppies driving to Manhattan by way of the Bruckner Expressway. Having spent my early life in the "country" part of The Bronx, Throgs Neck,  and then spending 4 wonderful years teaching in the shadow of Fort Apache (another endearing term) for a Bronx landmark, the police station, I never felt uneasy as I drove or walked around the neigh-ba-hood. 

All these years later and despite Herculean efforts to change the perception of this county, I experienced a Bonfire moment. Driving on the service road of the lower level of the Bruckner, I stopped at a light adjacent to the Hunts Point subway station. With the window up I could not hear but did see the woman in the van next to me, frantically trying to get my attention. I opened the window as she asked "Which way to the Bronx River Parkway"? I told her she was going in the wrong direction and that she needed to turn around and follow the Bruckner to the entrance about 2 miles back. SH#%! she responded but thanked me. The light changed and and she took off not relaxing that making a u-turn from the extreme right lane was next to impossible. I followed her and when she turned right I turned also. As I pulled up along side of her I could see she was in total panic mode, now that she was off the beaten path. This despite the fact that she was on Southern Blvd. a major road. She recognized me and looked relieved. I gave her further directions and off she drove. I'm confident she made it home. As I continued my trip to NYC, I stayed on Southern Blvd. and I must say that as you travel towards the Bruckner at 8:00 PM the side streets are eerily quiet.

My minds eye view of this part of The Bronx will always be colored by the wonderful years I spent there with some terrific people and as for me I'd never say, The Bronx, No thanxs!

Women WITH binders

Dedicated to: MTM, KC, DS, LS, CL, JM, KB- and binder divas everywhere.

Having been in education most of my life I have a lot of experience, attending meetings and professional workshops. One thing is for sure and that is if you attend a meeting you will leave with a binder. If the meeting is conducted by a woman, and most elementary school meetings are, the binders have colorful cover pages, are very organized, have color tabs to designate different subtopics, a table of contents,  charts, graphs, sample exercises, bibliographies and blank pages for notes.  You can rest assured that if a female collated the materials, they're in numerical order and seldom if ever will page 11 be followed by page 22 or would you have to snap open the binder to correct a page numbering issue.

Speaking for myself and not all men, whenever I was required to produce a binder of information I'd make sure I passed it by a female proofreader and in my career I've been blessed to work with quite a few.

Put that in your binder, Mitt!

you can't hit a home run sitting on the bench

Two weeks ago, the President sat passively by as Mitt hit a home run. It did seem to me that Barack did not want to be there and you had to wonder if he had anything left in the  Presidential tank or he was ready to have a talk show. If that was his plan he failed the interview that night and would make a terrible host.
Last night he came out swinging, was a fighter and I thought was on the verge of a Micheal Douglas moment in the movie where he plays the President and says, "Mr. _____, I am the President and....."
Great job and he hit the home run!

On another cable channel the reality show, Life as A-Rod, was playing out. In one of the most significant games of the season, the 600 home run man, sat on the bench, chewing seeds and probably thinking about catching a plane form Detroit to Miami after today's game. But first he'll have to clean out his locker as the events of the last 2 weeks have left him in the proverbial "dogout" as a future Yankee.

Trump, that bastion of upstanding, suggested that the Yankees void his contract for taking drugs, especially now that he is not hitting HRs, and without any chance of catching Hank Aaron,  they are ready to cry fowl and dump his $100,000,000 contract.

 Only goes to show, you have to be in the game to take your swings and you can't hit a home run from the bench in baseball or in politics!

The new Normal

Take it easy, don't rush onto anything, stop and smell the roses. All very good advice from those who wish me well in retirement. So far so good and I have been taking their advice.

No longer responsible for 500 kids and working 80 hour weeks we had a great weekend in NYC not too long ago.

Friday night, yes a school night, we drove into the city to the Guggenheim for the Picasso exhibit, Black and White. Cocktails, small crowds, mostly young,  viewing the master in a civilized atmosphere.

Saturday- Art show in Greenwich

Sunday - A wonderful lunch in the village  Back to NYC to an off, off Broadway play at senior citizen prices. Audience, mostly old made us feel quite young, that's the solution to this getting old thing, hang out with old people.

Alex, Mickey and Robert

The comedian Robert Klein tells the story of being a kid and crying uncontrollably when his idol, and mine, Mickey Mantle, struck out in a big game. Hearing him sobbing, his sister asked, "What is it, why are you crying"? "Mickey struck out"! And your crying for him? Do you think Mickey Mantle worries about you and is upset when you don't do well?  Snap out of it! From that day on he never cared, or cried for Mickey.

Today Alex Rodriquez, the Yankee superstar of the last 15 years has been benched for his unproductive work. First he was taken out of a game for a pinch hitter, who proceeded to hit 2 homers to tie and win the game. Today with their baseball backs against the wall, the manager benched A-Rod! While I am not about to break out the Kleenex, I can feel for the $250,000,000 + man. Now the question is, has he stayed too long at the parade and what happens to a guy who has 5 years and millions and millions on his contract. It must be hard to dissolve in front of an entire city.

Maybe it is time to take your bats and go home.... to your multi-million dollar home in Miami with cars and movie stars.

Cranky

For as long as car leases have been available we have taken "advantage" of the God given right of every American...to drive a new car every 36-48 months.

Usually around 90 days before the lease is due we begin to get friendly reminders from the finance company that it will soon be decision time. Do we buy out the car lease, an option we have never exercised, or do we hand in the car and take the keys, ugh, fob on a new model? We have always gone for the new wheels!

As we approach the end of the lease and taking advantage of our new found retirement time, our search has been expanded. Given to the new reality of cutting costs, you'll remember all the money I saved on shave cream, we are looking to lease a car that gets better gas mileage and will lower our monthly payments by 50+ dollars.

Our quest has taken us to the cute Fiat (with a $400 a month tag) Too High
Toyota Camry Hybrid ( logic here was that it looked (a little) like the Lexus Hybrid without the price tag). Sounded good but the monthly on this $30000 car was over $500. Too High
VW Passet (Too High) a lesser version of the car brought with it - THE CRANK. Not willing to spend $4-500 for a VW? So,  No power seats for you!  Instead, as with other lesser than $400 a month cars, you have to be subjected to cranking your driver seat to the right height, just like the barber chairs I remember as a child. Tony, yes my Italian barber was named Tony, would crank and crank until his scissors met my head.

We have looked at Subaru, Minis, little Lexus hybrids,  and two MA cars, Altima and Optima.
Surprisingly the biggest bang for the buck comes from the KIA Optima. Should I decide on this car it will be known as the Optima, not the Kia, Just can't bring myself to admit to driving a car with such an unfaltering name. Lots of bells, whistles, lights and a nav which has become a must have for my significant other. We tend to shop on rainy days and today it's pouring so we are on to the A cars, Honda and Acura. Having owned these in the past they have been perfectly good cars but not much fun to drive. And as a retiree I am all about fun, but at a lesser cost. I do hope we will not have to settle as this would make me CRANKY!

That Sunday Night feeling

As a kid it was the reality that Bonanza was over and so was the weekend. Back to school on Monday and invariably there would always be left over homework that I'd scramble to get done early the next morning. We all experience the Sunday blahs, the reality that the 48 hour respite called weekend was over and the weekly grind was about to set in.

 Since 1962, I'd leave some form of school Friday afternoon with all the best intentions to get the work done early in the weekend so that I'd be free and clear for some R and R. But the road to homework hell is paved with good intentions, so there I was late on most Sunday nights trying to "get it done". Very little in the way of learning for learning sake, just get it done so that you won't get into trouble.

Being in school in one form or another for over 50 years, I've had plenty of practice with this phenomenon and while over the years the shows changed from Bonanza to Sopranos I could never quite conquer the weekend cram. Over the last 12 years as school principal you'd think the workload would have lightened, NOT! There was the pithy weekly bulletin complete with puns and clever ( I thought) titles to give the staff a smile as their workweek unfolded. There was always some project, report, or test score analysis that had to be addressed for the week ahead. my weekends  were  study in practicability: Saturday chores, errands and house related work. On Sunday I'd get up early start to write, review and respond to central office requests for this or that, while J got ready for a day in the city or some activity that was not work related. Too often I'd need more time and would return home at 6:00 to pooped to be very effective.

With retirement all that stress is gone. Everyday is Sunday but in a good way. This past weekend we:
                   Went to an opening at the Guggenheim, on a Friday night, unheard of!
                    Leisurely walked around an art show then went to dinner with friends
                    Read the NYT to fine out about an off, off,off Broadway play.
                    Sunday had a great lunch at an Italian Restaurant, where I practiced my Italian, saw the play and had a cappuccino afterwards. Never once looking at my watch, I stopped wearing a watch 4 months ago, we arrived home just in time for 60 Minutes. Up until June this would have sent me into Sunday Night mode but with the new normal I was able to have dinner and then settle in with The Good Wife.
                         

It's in the genes

It must be in my genes not to spend over $50 for jeans, formally known as dungarees.
With a new lifestyle comes a new dress code and the hope that I will not walk out of the house dressed like a retiree. No velcro, no leisure suits, no sweat pants, no shirts screaming BEST GRAMPA!

So the other night I was in The City and visited an old haunt, Bloomingdales, the original not the watered down version that is in the burbs.

I remember driving down to Bloomies when I was in college to get just the right tie or to purchase some turtlenecks. A fashion must in the late sixties, very James Bond. In those days I seemed to be less susceptible to sticker shock. While prices were higher than some of the other department stores, you could always count on the quality of the merchandise.

For the most part the place hasn't changed much. The men's department has expended but you still enter on 3rd ave. The hat and scarf department is still in disarray as shoppers then and now pick through the bins. Sales reps all dress like undertakers, and now men as well as women spray you with cologne.

The basement has experienced a BIG upgrade and the concept of basement sales, are long gone as the place as been taken over by Polo, Cannalli, Boss etc..

The cheapest pair of jeans I found were $70! Being a 21st century guy I realized times had changed and I'd have to go for the extra $20 until I tried to try on the pants. Choosing the right cut requires a lot of patience and the ability to navigate through, STRAIGHT, BOOT CUT, SLIM, SLIM LOW WAIST, CLASSIC etc.  and my favorite, the jean that already comes with creases in the lap and back of the leg. I'll make my own creases thank you.  Being a classic guy I tried on the CLASSIC very loose fitting. They looked like Osh Gosh overalls with enough leg room to store several layers of bubble wrap. Everything else was too tight, had buttons in the fly instead of a zipper, or screamed LOSE WEIGHT!



Did get a shirt and a pair of shoes, but as for jeans, can't wait for the corduroy season.

Back to School night

With notebook and pen in hand I went back to school this week to learn Italian. Both of my parents spoke Italian so 50 years ago I could have learned for free but NO!

Arriving at school on the first day is always the same. New students mill around,  few words are exchanged  as we all wait to meet the teacher. Once in the classroom we choice our seats. Don't sit too close to that person. Unlike other first class experiences no one is breaking the spine of their new notebooks or writing their IF LOST RETURN TO info on the inside cover of their books, instead everyone is on their cell phone, checking or sending messages. I would guess some of the younger students, and all were younger, were texting about the old guy in class. It is amazing how the smart phone has taken over our down time.

The teacher enters, 5 minutes late, and begins speaking in Italian. For the next 90 minutes few English words are spoken. She is very understanding and patient and the class begins to drop their defenses and interact with one another, if only in italian.

The time goes by quickly and by the end of class I have 15 amicos, even the teachers pat guy who obviously had some italian training even though this is Italian 101.

Lose my shirt

About 2 years ago I disappointed my dry cleaner by deciding to wash and dry my own Brooks Bros. dress shirts. At the time it was a savings of $22.00 per week, where did that money go? Once dried I would hang these shirts in the basement and take one a day. After 30+ years of dress shirts things have changed.

Since retirement these shirts have hung in basement as I have been too busy to deal with this fashion change and life adjustment.  This weekend after 2+months of moving them out of the way whenever I needed to get to something in the basement I decided it was time to fold them up and store them. By consolidating and discarding other clothes I had a bin for storage. I discarded a few shirts but mostly folded and laid the basic blues and the whites to rest in the clear bin. Reluctant to jettison all the shirts, this box will be stored in the event that I need to dress for some event. However given what I have been wearing for the last two months this box need not be accessible.

To encourage one stop shopping and to help with my forgetfulness,  I will store my neck wear in the same box.

Riveting stuff!